Where would we be without the random writings of one of the wittiest fellas from Felixstowe. Here’s the lovely random ramblings from local lad, Dean Wales…
I’m quite select when it comes to selecting chums, all my friends are intellectuals (edit: actually two or three aren’t), every one of my buddies is elegant (edit: errm, okay there’s quite a few who really are not, actually) and every single one has exquisite taste (edit: on second thoughts, it’s probably best not to even mention that third point).
So what happens during the Yuletide period?
Let me explain. You see, whenever my dear partner and I dine out with the aforementioned companions, we painstakingly sweat over the choice of venue to ensure the cuisine is as near as possible to being Michelin Star rated; I mean, who doesn’t adore Nandos? When we partake in the arts with close acquaintances, it can be nothing less than Keats, Harold Pinter, Chaucer and Pam Ayres; anything low-brow just won’t suffice.
So, what comes over them when choosing festive gifts? With my Norwegian genes, I have to confess that I may be a tad hirsute, but a set of Christmas Carol-playing, ‘no-need-to-aim’ nose clippers went down like a fart in church, I can tell you.
I love pugs, I really do. They’re brimming with E.T-style cuteness and possess simply wonderful personalities, but the pair of pug slippers I received one year are, I’m afraid, still hanging up in the cupboard beneath the stairs. What’s wrong with them? Well, it’s where you stick your feet that rendered them positively tasteless.
And as for the Bogeyman egg separator jug! Simply break an egg into his head, tip the jug and only the egg white is deposited…from his nostrils. I’ve not been able to look at an Italian meringue since without retching.
So, to return the Christmas gift offerings to items of taste and style, I’ve decided to give generously this year. Every one of my friends will receive a delightful snow globe containing a photo of yours truly.
Gorgeous, huh?