Random Ramblings by Dean Wales

“A Capital Idea”

When you’re alone and life is making you lonely you can always go, downtown…well I’m sorry Petula my love, I’m not sure I would agree. I’m not so certain I’d fancy listening to the music of the traffic in the city either, or indeed do any lingering on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty.

In actual fact, the flashing of that gargantuan red and white neon sign in Piccadilly Circus (did your nan ever say…blimey it’s like Piccadilly Circus in here?), is always a threat to me having one of my heads. I’m very sensitive you know.

I often think I love London, but in reality I feel it is more that I’m in love with the concept of London? The excitement, the street entertainers and the diverse choice of food. That reminds me, I’ll never have another hot dog and onions from that grubby tin cart in Camden again. I knew his (a dodgy geezer; squat, unshaven, greasy locks and wearing a mucky Calvin Klein – with the K and C subtly switched – sweatshirt) food hygiene certificate was photocopied and coloured in in crayon. I was belching up frankfurter and mustard for three days after that little episode.

Yes, when one is wrapped up in a day trip to the capital to see a show, or being treated to the Harry Potter Studio Tour (I’ve never actually been to the Harry Potter Studio Tour but as my significant other is an avid reader of my column, this is a vulgar and barefaced hint for a fabulous birthday gift idea – there’s still time to book) London is an all-absorbing hullabaloo of loveliness.

But then there are the days you have to go there for work. Those awful drawn-out hours of torment when you experience our glorious capital for what it really is.

The Tube. Euughh! Hell on tracks in my opinion. You’re already rammed in like sardines when a vest-clad mutant squeezes his way on the train to stand beside you. It has been a sticky day and the carriage already smacks of a teenager’s football sock. He lifts his arm to grab the handrail exposing a hirsute armpit, resembling the Amazonian Basin. If you’re lucky you’ll be alighting at the next stop; if not, you’re facing this micro biosphere until you reach Turnham Green (or should that be Turn ‘em Green!).

If you’re off to London, have a great day! Oh and have an eggscellent (it had to be done) Easter break.

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